Duke Duong

I’m Duke, actually Aaron Duke, but everyone knows me as Duke. The name Aaron comes from my parents. Since I am a trans* man, I was allowed to choose my first names anew and it was important to me that my parents give me my first name again. I am 28, born in Germany and have Chinese roots.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me for a very long time. I was always different and was one of those people who tried everything to belong. When I was 14, I decided to cut off my hair, buy clothes from the boys’ section and finally be more myself. But even that was really difficult. I realized I was a man, but wondered what makes a man and what men are supposed to be like?

I got lost in a wave of toxic masculinity. Wanted to be strong, wanted to be big, wanted to be a man. Am I a man now? People misgendered me, didn’t understand what I wanted to portray, judged and ridiculed me – I just wanted to be a man.

A man does not cry, a man is not weak, a man does not put on makeup. I had many moments before my transition when I tried to wear makeup. The thought of wearing makeup or nail polish faded more and more with my transition. I am now a man and everyone sees it that way. But are only women allowed to wear makeup? Are only women allowed to wear colorful and glittery things? I have to be honest, I already feel more comfortable in my nondescript, mostly dark clothes. I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable in a dress or with fancy eye shadow. But why not? Why are only women allowed to do that? Why do I feel uncomfortable with it? Because men don’t do that? Because men are always denied that? Because we are ridiculed? Because we are then crazy and unserious?

I’m 28, on testosterone for six years. Breast and uterus removal four years ago. Arrived at my self a few years ago. And yet, my self-discovery is not over.

dear duke, thank you very much for YourStory!